It’s not right that I took a life and I’m very sorry for that and I wish I could take it back. But it happened because I feared for my life and I believed I had no other choice. That’s the state of mind I was in at that time after so being so physically and mentally abused by this man. And now the death of my husband is one more horror I have to live with the rest of my life.

I met Rick when I was 16 years old. He was good-looking and charming, and he showered me with attention, making me feel beautiful for the first time in my life. I didn’t see the warning signs in his possessive behavior; I thought it was cute, I thought it meant he loved me. When he hit me on our wedding day, he cradled me in his arms and begged my forgiveness. His mother said, "It’s just the stress of the wedding." And I was a pregnant seventeen-year-old girl, starry-eyed with love and hope for the future. He’d never hurt me again and we’d live happily ever after. And so began a ten-year litany of abuse and pain that was punctuated by the pounding of his fists on my face, my body, my soul. I left with my three daughters several times, but he’d always track us down. By the final year of our marriage, my life had deteriorated into a nightmare of fear, pain and despair, and I didn’t know how to help for myself.

It’s difficult for someone on the outside to understand the isolation and hopelessness a battered woman feels. Sometimes looking back, it’s difficult for me to understand it myself, because I’m in such a different state of mind today. Even when I went to trial, I didn’t know I was a battered woman. I didn’t realize it until I joined a support group in prison, where I heard other women talk about going through the same experiences.

The most important thing a woman living in an abusive relationship needs to know is, she needs to tell someone what’s going on, there is help, she’s not alone.

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