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I met him when I was fourteen and we finally got together ten years later. He
was so refreshingly funny and positive. I loved him, he was my mentor, he was my best
friend. When he started telling me what to do and what to think, I didn’t see it as a
control issue, I just thought it was his way of telling me to take care of myself. After
we were married, our relationship went from "You’re amazing Jane," to
"You’re worthless." In the beginning I just kept trying to make it better.
And then towards the end it was like waiting for a pat on the head. He had me reduced to a
child, I was so brainwashed. I think it was the repetitiveness of hearing how stupid and
useless I was, that I was never good enough. What I thought didn’t matter, what I
wanted wasn’t important, I was never right, I was always wrong. Over trivial
things, a misplaced milk cap, canned gravy, the night-light. He kept saying this to me
over and over and over. To the point where, towards the end, I really believed there was
something wrong with me, that he must be right, I couldn’t function in the outside
world without him. I just stayed at home, my whole life revolved around him walking
through the front door. It was as though I had lost my personhood. |
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